Last time we talked about our "iceberg" and how, so often, it's the unconscious aspect of our psyche which is in the driver's seat of our lives. This can be particularly true when creating major goals or new realities for ourselves.

We say we want a new career or to go cliff diving in Acapulco or create a more fulfilling social life. And then we wonder why we aren't getting what we want. We feel like we're dancing as fast as we can, trying everything possible to accomplish our objectives and finding our way repeatedly blocked. And then we spiral down into anger, despair, bitterness, de-motivation and finally declare "fate has decreed that I shall not have this!" and give up or put off what we could be doing because "the thought of it makes me tired and drains me of energy."

And this is where we hire a life coach! LOL! But now back to our regularly scheduled feature article….

What may be a very helpful starting point is to look at where we sabotage ourselves — not at the macro-level of goal achievement, but at the "micro-level." The macro-level would be the action steps we do to achieve our goals. We want to be a freelance writer? Then we send out writing queries to publications or contact businesses to see if they need copywriters.

At the micro-level though — how do we feel about ourself in relationship to our goal? Are we approaching our goal with dread?

And consider this…the fear or fears that I speak of, may have nothing to do with the actual goal that we have or desire. But may lie in what is beyond the goal once it actually materializes. Do we feel up to living life at the level that is required once we reach our goal? Is our goal going to change how we interact with life by taking us out of our current economic circle? Or by changing how our friends view us? Does our goal require a commitment to a higher level of maturity on our part?

Or, are our fears to be found in the steps needed to create the goal? If we say we want to be an actor, but then don't want to get up in front of an audience — do we really want to be an actor? Maybe we just want to be famous so that we feel universally loved — which doesn't really have anything to do with being an actor…

So for the freelance writer…Do we view rejection as confirmation of the little voice inside of us that repeatedly says we have no talent? If someone asks us to write something for them, do we cringe? Do we hate the idea of being completely self-reliant and actually prefer to be "taken care of" by a company? If at a deep level we approach our goals with fear — other people pick up on this. Like a scent people perceive that we are not entirely comfortable in our own skin. And thus they will not be entirely comfortable with us. They, and we, may not even be aware that this is happening. And this will come across in our behavior and even in our writing — through our word choice and tone. We might not perceive it, but it is there.

And worse, our inner fear will effect the decisions and choices we make to arrive at our goal. Our fear will cloud our viewpoint — like a pair of dark sunglasses — making some possible things appear impossible. And making the tiniest obstacle seem like a 20,000 feet deep ravine that we can't possibly swing across.

So often there is a desire for a goal — but only when we are EMOTIONALLY READY for all parts of it to appear in our lives. Thus we'll go through the motions of doing something — for years even — but never arrive at the objective. And the whole time be saying to ourself: "I can't get there. I'm not able. This won't happen. It will take a lifetime to make this real."

When we feel capable of living the life that will be created once the goal is achieved. When we feel completely able to do the things necessary to arrive at our desired destination. And when we can confidently rely upon our own inner strength and  wisdom, as opposed to others' viewpoints. Then we are equipped to achieve our goal.

So how do we get there?

Part of achieving a goal that is not seemingly appearing in our life — when we in our own eyes think we are trying everything possible — is being willing to admit that maybe we are not trying everything. We're trying what we are comfortable with. What we know or think we know. So at the micro-level we need to begin to look at our assumptions, attitudes, prejudices, limiting self-beliefs, how we perceive life, how we view our personal relationship with life — and how we interact with life.

Now you may be saying –"I don't have time for that! I need to go DO it! So tell me how to go do it and then I can get it done and I don't have to go through all this mumbo jumbo self analysis and psycho babble self discussion. Who wants to do that?" Well that is a lot like fixing the copier for you and never showing you how to fix it yourself. No? There is no little pill, no magic wand, no nose twitch, or eye blink that is going to make you more comfortable in doing those things which take you out of your comfort zone to arrive at your goal.

The goal itself may represent Nirvana to you, but the path to get there may look like sheer Hell. Fantasies are wonderful, realities take work.

(At this point you may be saying "Why can't he sugar coat anything!?!" But that wouldn't be particularly helpful now, would it?)

Some questions you may want to ask yourself are:

• What do I need to let go of or leave behind in order to get to where I want to go?
• Where am I giving up when the going gets tough?
• What assumptions about myself and other people do I need to shake off and discard?
• What attitudes that I maintain are holding me back?
• Do I have some deep-seated prejudices about people, places, things or ideas that keep me from seeing opportunities that are offered to me?
• What are my limiting self-beliefs? Do I feel like a victim? Do I personalize disappointments?
• How do I perceive life and how do I view my "relationship with life?" Is life scary or an adventure?
• How I do interact with life? Positively? Negatively? Am I demanding? Full of gratitude? Asking anybody who happens by for a hammer so I can nail myself to a metaphorical cross?
• What is the inner tape in my mind repeatedly telling myself? Am I saying to myself: "I can do it." Or am I saying: "I can never accomplish it."
• How am I unconsciously choosing the smallest steps possible to get me to my destination?
• What consequences of the goal — once it is created — do I NOT particularly want in my life? (i.e. If I get a new, higher level job — will it require more work and responsibility. Do I really want that? If I start dating more people — am I comfortable with rejecting more people with "No thanks. I'm not interested."?)

Pick up a pen and start digging into your iceberg. We create our goals at the micro-level. We act them out at the macro. Next time we'll look at the symbolic aspects of our goals….

© Rich See 2010

I came upon the above quote some time ago and have to say I LOVE IT! It is so true, from a coaching perspective, on how we sabotage ourselves, even as we pursue the goals we want to create in our lives.

So how often and to what degree are you sabotaging yourself? "I'm not!" you may say. "Well, let's look," say I…

As I write this newsletter, I've baked some scones, called a friend, pruned a houseplant, checked my banking, fixed my DVD player, made a pot of coffee, translated some French (I seem to have lost the English version of my DVD manual) and anxiously tapped my fingers.  I'm only on the seventh paragraph…

I've been engaging in self-sabotage. One of my ways is sabotage myself is to delay doing something until I run out of time. I want to get to my goal — just not too fast. But faster than I am — but not faster than I am ready to arrive. Part of me is "s.c.a.r.e.d." of putting myself out there for…who knows what! It's a big unknown that I have no idea about. Thus best to tiptoe into this potential, since diving in may result in my discovering I can't swim as well as I thought.

It's like wanting to drive to California — if I only drive two hours a day, every turn takes me towards Florida, and I keep forgetting the road map at rest stops…how can I get to California anytime soon? I can't. Eventually I may. But I might be a ninety-year old man who has to give up his driver's license when I do…

We all sabotage ourselves in very subtle ways — like filling our time with things "we have to get done," or promising our time to other people who need our help "for worthwhile ventures." Or by spending time chatting online, watching TV or by suddenly needing to go clean the bathroom. Or our uncatalogued CD collection suddenly is driving us crazy. Funny, it's been uncatalogued for fifteen years, but right when we sit down to start that new business venture, write that novella, or type out our resume…"Good Lord, how have we lived without it being alphabetized and meticulously annotated!?!"

And how conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient that it also just happens to place our "goal" (also called "our stated priority") on hold…

Coincidence? I don't think so.

It's the part of the iceberg we aren't seeing — the part that is not committed to arriving at our "port of call" — also called our "goal" or "stated priority." The quotes are on purpose, because until we get our whole iceberg unified to going in the direction of our "goal," it isn't really our goal — it's an idea we are toying around with creating. Also called a fantasy. And fantasies don't cost us a dime we don't want to spend or cause us to take risks we don't feel ready to take.

The iceberg could also be called our head and heart energies — our mental conviction and our emotional conviction. And until the two are in unison, we will engage in self-sabotage. By delaying and finding other things to occupy our time. Or by listing all the reasons we aren't able to do something and all the reasons it can't be accomplished. Basically, by creating as many myriad excuses we can think of for not getting to where we want to be.

And that's where we life coaches come in and scream, "Get off your butt and…"

If we engage in self-sabotage, then we have fear and feel unable to "meet the challenge" our goal represents. And while we are not feeding our inner-self the nourishment it is seeking, then the frustrations we feel inwardly, will probably manifest in our outer life in any number of ways.

Reigning in our inner saboteur is difficult, but not impossible. It just takes practice, discipline and self-awareness as to where it is jumping into the driver's seat of our life.

Funny, I've sat here and written the bulk of this newsletter and not moved for 40 minutes. My feet having been bouncing up and down, I soooooooooo want to get up and go to the gym. I have an "urgent" need to surf the web and read some news or pickup the phone and call someone. All worthwhile things to go do. But do they get me to my stated goal. Not really. Thus I have to be an adult and make myself tenaciously eat my "metaphorical spinach" of concentrating and focusing on finishing what I've begun…because it's good for me.

Next time we will look at more fully grasping what is making up the underside of the iceberg…

© Rich See 2010

I really think less is more in both our exterior and interior lives. Less physical stuff in our homes provides space and perspective to see the sky, the floor and the horizon. And the same can be said for our interior selves. By stripping away the insecurities, angers, prejudices and fears we carry around with us, we then allow ourselves to experience life more fully, vividly and completely.

Someone I know recently mentioned “I’d like to be one of those people who simply takes a towel to the beach and doesn’t need a bunch of other stuff (book, iPod, water, etc.). And I thought, “What a great idea!” And then it occurred to me, “Why not be that way through life?” To be a person who can get through life with only what he needs at that moment, not forecasting what he might need, what he might possibly want, what he could potentially require in any of a million various circumstances that could or could not happen at any given moment.

Walking on the beach, I see how much “stuff” people need and how much they leave behind in their wake…cases of beer, chairs, coolers, towels, clothes, wrappers, umbrellas, food, etc. And I think “You’re only here for a few hours, how much do you need?” But I can be the same way in so many other areas of my life. How much validation do I need, how much security do I need, how much control do I need, how much of “my plans” do I need to have accomplished on “my time frame” in order to feel “at ease with Life”?

It’s through the stripping away of both the physical needs of cooler, lunch buffet and energy drink; as well as the stripping away of the mental and emotional needs of old angers, insecurities, control points and fears that we can truly be in the moment and realize how much dialog we have with Life and how much control we have in the creation of our lives.

A part of ourselves immediately says “Wait, of course I need a hat, sunscreen, water, a book…and what if get bored!?! I’ll need my iPod and a frisbee and who knows what else. I want to have a good time, so I need to pack up a bunch of stuff to make sure I have a good time… And what if it rains…or mosquitoes bite…or I need an aspirin?!?”

Well, what if? You could be just as easily hit by a bus on your way to the beach and then all you packing and planning would have been for naught because it would have been better for you to stay at home on that particular day.

The point is not that we shouldn’t plan or pack, but there is a point where planning exceeds the moment. The moment becomes about planning, not about experiencing the moment. We can’t truly be in the moment, if we have to plan ahead for it — because we’ll never know what potential moment we might be having. Thus planning becomes a chronic condition in order to stave off some undesired experience, which in the end might be the best thing in the world of us to experience.

Sitting at the beach with an iPod means we have to listen to the waves or worse — someone else’s music. And if we can’t simply be at peace listening to the waves how can we sit in our homes alone with no one about to validate us? And if we can’t get beyond someone else’s music to hear the music of the waves, how can we keep our composure in traffic or when our nerves are jangled and confusion reigns in our lives?

Conscious planning is more simple than we think. We could go to a buffet and eat until we vomit, but then we would have to realize “I’m out of control.” We all know people who cram their homes with so much stuff that we leave thinking “Why do they need five sets of dinnerware for twelve?”

Packing luggage is a wonderful analogy for Life — the more we pack into our travel bag, the heavier the baggage is that we have to carry around with us. The more requirements, expectations and cautions we pack into our lives, the more weight we strap onto ourselves and thus the more we wait for life to become a pleasurable experience for ourselves.

I invite you to become a day tripper through Life…

© Rich See 2010

This quote reminded me of something that, I think, we all face. That something is “fear” and how it affects our daily lives. “What’s that?” you might say. “Fear in my daily life. Not really. I’m no mountain climber…”

I’ve got news for you — life’s a mountain that we all are climbing. And that’s not a bad thing at all. But life takes risks and struggle and endurance. Sometimes you find yourself in a place that’s hard to breathe and you feel like you are suffocating. Other times you have to cross a deep crevasse that looks harrowing. And yet there are sublime moments where you find yourself looking out on an incredible vista. Just like when you climb a mountain.

So, are there things you are putting off accomplishing or doing? Things that you would really desire to have out of your way? (I know I am!) Maybe a difficult phone call, perhaps tackling a subject with your boss, or procrastinating about something that will move your life forward.

Do you find yourself saying, “I can’t go there…it’s too much. I can’t handle it. I’m exhausted and tired… What now? Ugh, why can’t this just Go AWAY!” ( I don’t know about you, but I do.)

Here is something to think about…

Could it be our minds are playing a little trick on us? Our intellect is “foreseeing” huge obstacles to keep us in our comfort zones — because if we move out of our comfort zones and handle those issues that are weighing us down…well then whatever would happen to us!?! We might succeed and our lives might unalterably change and require a higher level of living from us. Perhaps more responsibility. Maybe more professionalism. The start of a new relationship. Or, maybe, simply discovering a new way of looking at life — a new vista to see a more distant and beautiful horizon that would require us to choose to tackle a new endeavor.

Whenever I speak to people and they are procrastinating, they almost always are procrastinating about something that will move their lives forward. But to do so means they have to step out of their comfort zone. (This applies to me as well. Alas, I’m not immune. Where’s the vaccine when you need it!?!)

So what I suggest is to make a list of the difficult things in your life. We’ll call it The List of the Seemingly Impossible. List everything. And then, find the best time of the day for you to handle difficult tasks. Maybe it’s morning, maybe it’s at lunch time, maybe it’s at night. And then each day, tackle at least just one thing on your list. Some items may have a series of tasks that are required to complete them. So as the new “to do” items surface, put them on your list. But commit to doing at the least, just one. And watch as your list diminishes as you slowly work your way through the seemingly impossible.

“But,” you may be about to say, “I’ll just have more stuff to do!” Yes, you will. That’s life. Is not facing it making it go away? I sincerely doubt it. However, as you accomplish the tasks on your List of the Seemingly Impossible, you will also be increasing your own inner confidence and so as new items appear you will discover that they have less power over you, than you have over them.

And that is what fear does — it places your own inner decision making power in the hands of someone or something else. You are not running your own life. The phone call is, the difficult boss is, the soon to be ex-lover is, the bill collector is, the demanding friend is… I think you get the picture.

So become a mountain climber and start handling your own List of the Seemingly Impossible!

Until next time, have a wonderful day.

© Rich See 2010